Afternoon readers,
for those of you who don't pay that much attention to my blog - like - well, me, this is description number 5 in my now 4 or 5 years old "Pub fruit loops" series.
For info, we have so far had:
Man in his 60s taking his incontinent Mother out in her pygamas to have a series of ickypo air raids whilst he slags off all beer and beer drinkers (whilst doing exactly that);
Racist dog man - the chuntering Banslih bittoh drinking racist who blamed all his behavioural failings on his presumably oft replaced dog;
The erstwhile saliva spluttering Badge Hat Andrew, AKA the sadly now passed away Andrew Smith (see "Alan Chimpanzee");
And lastly, the "i'm a silent partner, don't you know" bloke, the nutcase who infuriated and creeped out both customers and staff in the Rutty in about 2019.
Number 5 - Fondly Dave - goodness - where do I start?
For info, lets make clear that this isn't to be confused with Maudlin Dave, a white haired chap whom have known for many years and sounds like Alan Bennet. I do know his real name, but it seems inappropriate to share.......
My brotaar WK, met Fondly Dave in Shakespeares one night when he had been on call for a week and was having his first beer in 8 days. Spotting us, FD joined us and within just 5 minutes he was spouting his usual nonsense about the fact that the Royal family all had lizard heads covered in paper and that all royalists were genetically matched to lizards from space. I hope you all know that am no royalist, but thats where my interest stops - Dave was like a non funny Chris Morris in Cake, and an ever so slightly more mad and even more stupid, David Ike. My brother quickly told him to stop spouting absolute nonsense and to go away, which he did.
The next time I met FD he strangely seemed to have forgotten how annoying he was, but I did kindly say hello to him before going to sit in the Clock room at Shakespeares. At this point this was the only pub that I went in that he wasn't barred from. And here's the reason why:
When FD spotted a lady, and seemingly only ever a single possibly stressed or refreshed lady, he would saunter over and say along the lines of "Hi, I can see your obviously distressed, just to let you now that I am a registered Reiki healer, would you like me to try and heal you?" The obvious response would be no, get away from me you dishonest weirdo but FD was very persistent, and usually, agreement or not, proceeded to put his hands on them to "release the bad energies".
Usually, and likely because of where he put his hands, most recipients would say no, or take your hands off me, but if bar staff didn't notice and the first victim left, he would then try it on again with the next available female. By now harassed and criticised by people who had seen what was going on, he would then be barred (often again) and removed from the premises. This is why I thought that at one stage he was barred from every pub in Sheffield, and have only ever seen him once more, where he claimed he didn't do that sort of thing anymore.
Only he did.
Which is probably why I haven't seen him in about 3 years.
With kind regards - and a happy new year
Wee Beefy
